The Parent 'Hood
Is your daughter being bullied in the lunchroom? Here is parent and expert advice on how to handle it.

July 06, 2011  By Heidi Stevens, Tribune Newspapers
A girl at your daughter's lunch table is aiming some petty barbs at her. ("Who invited you to the conversation?") How should you coach her to respond?

Parent advice

Coach her to ignore the nasty comments and practice looking through people. In the first place, if she says nothing, she can't be misquoted. She can't add fuel to the fire or get in trouble with teachers if she says nothing. Besides, mean girls hate to be ignored.

A talk about what it takes to be a good friend could be in order, but let your child figure this one out. If you always step in, you are communicating that you don't think that she is capable of dealing with problems. I recently heard of a college freshman who didn't get her way about something and her mother stepped in and placed a call to the university. If you don't teach your kids to cope they never grow up and you can never let go!
— Dawn Lantero

Expert advice
Before you start crafting responses, help your daughter pinpoint what she truly is upset about, says Michelle Anthony, co-author of "Little Girls Can Be Mean: Four Steps to Bully-Proof Girls in the Early Grades" (St. Martin's Griffin).

Is it the biting comment? Does she feel teamed up on? Is she hurt that another girl she considers a friend didn't come to her defense?

"How you help guide her should be 100 percent dictated by what she's most upset about," says Anthony. By asking the right questions, you can help her defuse the situation and learn to analyze the complicated world of female friendships.

"What defines a friendship for you?" Anthony suggests. "What are some qualities that matter? Let's go through some of these girls and see if they have these qualities. Is one of your friends different when you're alone together than when you're all in a group? And is that OK because you really like the fun alone time, or is that not OK because a friendship should be a friendship no matter where you are and who's around?"

Next you can ask her what she wants to accomplish. "Fix the friendship? Find a way to move away from the friendship? Find a way to confront the mean girl? What she decides to do dictates what you try to help her do," Anthony says.

Coaching her to stick up for herself in the moment is great, Anthony says, but assure her that she's not a failure if she decides to remain mum.

"We always want our kids to be assertive, but we're never surprised when they can't be," says Anthony. "We tell them, 'If this isn't the right situation, you can choose one that's better for you. You don't have to respond on the spot if that's awkward or embarrassing for you.' You don't want her to feel like a double failure because she decided she was going to say something and then didn't say it."

Help your daughter determine a time and place to confront the situation on her terms — before or after school, for example.

And as good as it may feel to help her craft a biting zinger, resist the temptation.

"That never helps," says Anthony. "It just elevates the tension and rivalry and causes kids to choose factions, which never helps your own daughter. You want to help her make kind and respectful choices."

Stevens, Heidi. "Help your kid deal with friends who get mean." Chicago Tribune 6 July, 2011.http://www.chicagotribune.com/features/tribu/sc-fam-0705-parenthood-comeback-20110705,0,2843349.story

With the increased attention on the tragic effects of bullying, parents are more aware how early these situations start—in elementary school or even preschool. Yet these early struggles are actually a gift: it is then that girls are most highly influenced by their parents.

All Girls Will Be Mean

The reality is: all girls—even your very nice, sweet daughter—can, will, and in fact needs to be mean…sometimes. Early meanness serves an important developmental function, and provides parents the opportunity to support their daughters in making kind choices as they grow, and in managing the unkind choices of others, now and in the future.

The Developmental Role of Meanness

I am not suggesting that parents encourage or ignore meanness, rather just the opposite. When the unkind acts happen (and they will), parents can instead work with their daughter using a simple coherent plan that will allow them to become a part of her team, and support her in developing the skills that will allow her to confidently navigate the social waters of growing up female.

In elementary school, girls (like all of us) are looking to feel important in their relationships, to discover their own power. And just as the toddler will fall many times before she walks, so too will your daughter take her missteps in achieving power. Sometimes this means fumbling in her attempts to assert herself or in knowing how to manage social cruelty. Other times, blunders include unkind, thoughtless, or downright mean acts. But here is where the four step plan comes in, and here is where parents can make all the difference, whether your child has experienced meanness, or perpetrated it!

The Four Step Plan

Step 1: OBSERVE your child’s behaviors. What is happening right now, and what are the contributing background factors? Notice whether this is an isolated incident or a component of multiple relationships.

Step 2: CONNECT Before you step in and try and fix anything, CONNECT over what your child is seeking, feeling, or experiencing. Empathize without judging: Connect vs. Direct; Connect vs. Correct. If your child is the target: “It must be hard to have your best friend exclude you. What were you feeling when that happened?” If your child is acting meanly: “I can see your friendship with Sasha is important, even though that means you have to ignore and exclude other girls. What makes that friendship so special?” Understanding the underlying feeling or motive behind her actions will allow you to help your daughter manage her emotions or meet her needs in more positive, beneficial ways.

Step 3: GUIDE your child by coming up with a list (together) of alternative choices to allow her to deal with her feelings (e.g., ways to empower her when she feels excluded) or meet those natural developmental drives (e.g., acknowledge it’s appropriate to value a friend, but how she displays loyalty needs to change). Your role is important in helping your child learn ways to assert herself effectively and in defining your limits around what’s acceptable. However, when you better understand what she is experiencing, you are best able to guide her most effectively—not only in this situation, but also future ones, where you may not be as present. To find the appropriate tools to do this, check out the ideas and activities in Little Girls Can Be Mean: Four steps to bully-proof girls in the early grades.

Step 4: SUPPORT HER TO ACT on one or two items of her choosing (to start). It might be private (e.g., doing a role play for how to interface with her friend) or public (e.g., making a friendship bracelet to reach out to a child she has wronged). Either way, using the Four Step plan allows the two of you to remain a team, and for you to be a source of support, knowledge, and guidance in helping your child develop her power and influence in kind, productive, and appropriate ways.

Part 2

What should parents do if they discover their child IS the bully?

Little Girls Can Be Mean: Four Steps to Bully-proof Girls in the Early Grades has an entire section helping parents understand why nice kids can do mean things, and what to do about it.
While our first response is often to want to jump in and tell our child that what they did is wrong and how they need to fix things, here too you will want to take a breath and follow the Four Steps we outline in the book. The reality is, very nice children can do very mean things and still be very nice children. What they need is a parent to observe what has happened, connect with them over what they were trying to do (feel important, have influence, etc.), guide them in understanding how their choices were inappropriate and help them not only make new choices moving forward, but also to take responsibility and make amends for what they have done. Part of this process may involve a suspension of media privileges, but should be decided as a component of the Four Step process as opposed to a top-down reaction on the part of the parent.
An ounce of prevention is often worth a pound of cure. So make sure your child understands from early on that they can face criminal charges as a result of cyberbullying. Depending on the specifics of the bullying and the state you live in, if you use the Internet or a cell phone to bully another person, you can be charged with harassment, stalking or making terrorist threats. Physical bullying can result in assault charges. Cases such as these are usually handled in juvenile court.

How can parents teach kids to be aware of things like photos being posted of them that they (the kids) prefer not be posted, videos on places like iChat, Facebook, Twitter, YouTube, etc?

Discuss the dangers of technology. In stark contrast to when we were younger, your child is growing up in a digital world. From cell phones to emails to video cameras to IMs, the influence of technology in your child’s world is only a breath away, if you do not feel it already. Thus, girls need to know that whatever they do electronically is permanent, public, and—once in the hands of others—completely out of their control. Emphasize to your child that she should not do anything with a cell phone, computer, or video camera around that she does not want her best friend, her worst enemy, her mother, or her teacher to also see. No matter how good a friend might be today, you never know when she will do something “funny,” like post a video or spam an email.
You can also look into free and paid tools that let you (or your child) monitor what’s being said about her, or what photos she is being tagged in on the Web. You can look at ReputationDefender, AOL’s SafeSocial, GoGoStat, or SocialShield, among others.

If an incriminating video were posted of a teen or child, what steps can parents take legally to get the material removed? What steps can parents take legally in general against bullying messages their child is receiving?

The legal world of bullying and cyberbullying is changing almost daily. First and foremost, keep any and all evidence of the bullying. Contact the media service provider, most of which now have their own protocol for managing these situations. Contact the appropriate authorities to see what the laws and regulations are in your area.
And take a breath. While no parent wants their child to go through anything like this, it’s important for both your and your child’s sake to go through the Four Steps (unless your child or another is in imminent danger, then, contact the proper authorities right away) to be sure you can move forward as a team and provide the best support, resources, and guidance.

Any other tips for teaching our kids about this technology that we didn’t grow up with?

There is a wealth of information in the answers above. However, one additional point to raise is how different emails, texts, the Internet, and other anonymous media can feel to a child (or an adult for that matter!), compared to an in-person interaction. You can’t see faces, you can’t read tone of voice, you don’t feel the same sense of connection and obligation because it’s not a “real” interaction (even though, of course, it is!). Many children do things through technology they would never do in person. In addition, so many misunderstandings happen when we are not face-to-face, having live interactions with one another.
And lastly, the stakes feel higher than ever, and our wonderful desire to protect our children can cause us to dictate facts and rules, as opposed to working to understand our child’s experience in this age of technology. The more we can support our child as they venture into this world, and the more we allow them to feel they can come to us with a question, concern, or when something just doesn’t feel right, the sooner we can provide the support they need to stay safe. If we get preachy or seem too constraining, we lose that opportunity.

What is the best approach for monitoring your kids on-line (without breaking their trust)?
• Begin these discussions early, even before your children are asking for social media accounts, etc. Remember, schools have children using the Internet from as young as kindergarten, and their friends will have many tools and gadgets your child will have access to, even if your family does not choose to provide those. You don’t want to leave your child without your understandings and influence in the world of technology, so be sure your family ethos and values are a part of how they “grow up” online.
• Emphasize that the Internet is a public place, even though it seems as if it is not. This is hard for even middle schoolers to fully understand. Even though you are sitting alone in your living room and it feels private and safe, the Internet is not private…it is entirely public. The earlier in time your children can come to understand this, the better.
• Also emphasize that your job as your child’s parent is to keep them safe, especially in public places. Point out other measures you use to keep them safe in public venues. Even in the middle school years you give them a means to contact you, you investigate the places they go and the people they are with when they are away from you/ in public. The Internet is one of those public places.
• Switch the conversation from one about trust to being one about safety. You do trust them, but there is no way to trust the anonymous strangers that are on the Internet. Your job as their parent is to keep them safe. There is no reason to battle at all about trust, it has nothing to do with that. It is all about keeping them safe and that should be the emphasis in your conversations.
• Help them understand that media access is a privilege, not a right. Thus, to keep them safe, you will need to know their usernames and passwords for each of their online accounts, you will need to know the sites they visit, etc. Not because you do not trust them…only to keep them safe. Once your child knows that you will be doing this, you do not need to keep reminding them. Get a program that lets you see the sites they visit, or one like Reputation Defender, which offers free and paid online tools to monitor what’s being said about them on the Web. Do not interact on your child’s web pages (e.g., post updates or respond to FB postings). Remember, your role is simply to provide safety, not to meddle.

What should parents do if they discover their child is being bullied on-line?
If you discover your child is the victim of cyberbullying, the most important thing to do is to follow the Four Steps outlined in our book Little Girls Can Be Mean: Four Steps to Bully-proof Girls in the Early Grades. So often our heart is racing and we want to jump in and try and fix things. But this will only leave your [child] alone in [their] own experience of fear or humiliation. Unless he/she or another child is in danger (in which case, call the proper authorities immediately!), take a moment to Observe, Connect, Guide, and Support to Act. Your child and their well being are your first priority. Some other practical tips:
• Save all evidence. Don’t delete or destroy any texts, postings, etc. Authorities need a trail of evidence to respond to.
• Block the bully from our child’s page or email.
• Notify the proper authorities. This might be school officials, the police, etc. Be sure your child is a part of these decisions.
• Contact the social media provider. For ex., Facebook can take down the page from public viewing, but preserve the evidence.

What is the best approach to prevent their child from being bullied?
Trying to prevent your child from being bullied on line is tricky, as there can be no rhyme or reason for a child becoming a target. And many targets were once aggressors! According to iSafe.com, 53% of children in the survey acknowledge saying hurtful things to peers while on-line or while texting, 58% report having received hurtful messages while on-line or texting, and 42% admit they have been bullied on-line.
Even young children are not immune to cyberbullying’s devastating effects. Decrease the likelihood your elementary-aged child will become a cybervictim:
• Keep computers in public spaces (e.g., the living room). Supervising eyes maybe the best way to protect your daughter (and friends) from inappropriate sites/on-line activities.
• Keep shared accounts (e.g., email) for as long as possible. Children are less likely to send harassing messages to accounts shared with adults.
• Always know your child’s usernames/passwords. For safety, there can be no secret accounts. You trust her; you don’t trust the strangers that prowl the Internet!
• Emphasize Internet smarts: not sharing personal information, not giving friends her passwords, etc.
• Discuss family values and expectations around on-line behaviors. Emphasize that technology is a privilege to be earned, and it can be revoked. Get an Internet safety program and tell her her actions will be reviewed (e.g. your reading her emails,
keeping track of the sites she visits). Stress this is about safety, not privacy. The Internet is a public place and even “private” interactions become public. To keep her safe, her actions will be open to your review. But remember, do not harp on this. You are a background safety protector, not the eagle trying to control her every keystroke online.
• If your child has a cell phone, get one without photos, videos, texting, or email…most phones are replaced every few years, and elementary-aged children don’t need these privileges. Check out the TicTock, Firefly glowPhone, or LG Migo VX1000. If you want a full service phone that allows many parental controls in the background, check out Kajeet.
• Teach your child to always think twice before “sending.” Cyber-bullies were often once cyber-victims. Before they consider retaliating, remind them of the consequences “sending” can have. “Once you hit send, it may never end.”

I read an article recently about preschool bullies. It made me uncomfortable. Not because I don't believe very young children can do very mean things. I know they can. And not because I don't believe there may be an out-and-out bully who is 4 years old. I do. But such extreme cases are the exception, not the rule.

Not All Bullies Start Out Mean

In general, meanness and bullying at these young ages happens because children are trying to have an impact on their world and to feel important to their friends, and don't know how to go about it the right way. But when we label these children "bullies," we circumscribe who they are at horrifyingly young ages. We judge and criticize them and their families, and we only accentuate the problem we are striving to fix. The reality is, meanness happens because — developmentally speaking — it is a necessary way for young children to learn how to be nice, if they are given the appropriate tools and guidance early on.

A Problem of Perspective

Most preschool and elementary-aged children have a hard time holding multiple perspectives, and in trying to be important — to have power — they often take actions that seem "mean." But, their "mean" actions often stem from the desire to fit in, as opposed to taking purposeful actions to put someone on the outs. It is true that by 3rd grade (earlier for some), girls' ability to hold multiple perspectives has advanced, and the intent to harm is more present in some girls, either to exert power in purposefully hurtful ways, or to try to make themselves look good.

However, it is vital that parents and educators realize that a majority of the mean behavior in elementary school (and preschool) comes from good or nice girls who are simply trying to fit in and belong, making mistakes along the way. Unfortunately, by (ineffectively) trying to find their place, or (unsuccessfully) attempting to be important to someone, they often inadvertently cross the line to aggressiveness or meanness and hurt those they care about. Understanding the how and why of meanness allows parents to support their child and help her respond more effectively.

How Can I Help My Daughter?

Much of the "everyday" meanness happens between close friends. Girls are often hesitant to talk to parents and teachers, in part because we often brush off social struggles, saying, "She's a bully, don't be friends with her," or, "Ignore her; play with someone else," or "girls are just mean sometimes." Thus, in trying to help, we unwittingly isolate girls from the very support network they need and deserve.

But, providing support is as simple as 1-2-3-4: Observe, Connect, Guide, and Support to Act. In our book, Little Girls Can Be Mean: Four steps to bully-proof girls in the early grades (Aug 2010, St. Martin's Griffin), we address the most common social struggles girls face in friendship pairs and groups, walking readers through each Step in detail. The Steps are relevant whether your child is a target, is acting meanly, or is simply a bystander to "girl drama."

Step 1: Observe

Observe your child in new ways and with new eyes, seeking to understand who she is socially. Is she passive? Aggressive? A self-starter? Recognize when things go awry: She suddenly stops wanting to do favorite activities, starts more fights with her siblings, complains of headaches, etc.

Step 2: Connect

Connect with her without taking over. Ask questions; empathize. Connect vs. Correct. Connect vs Direct. This is especially hard (but especially important!) if your child has been mean.

Step 3: Guide

Guide her as a teammate. Work together to try out possible solutions, whittling down the list to choices doable to you both (e.g., if she decides she wants to be more assertive, do Role Plays to help her do so without slipping into meanness herself).

Step 4: Support Her to Act

Support her to act on one or two of the solutions. Remember, she chooses her actions and follows through, not you. Because you will not control how peers respond, follow up with the four Steps again, observing what happens, reconnecting over how she now feels, and working together as you guide her to new choices she can then act on.

While not every social situation warrants all Four Steps, Observing and Connecting often will allow you to see patterns or notice your child is unhappy. In applying the Four Steps, caring parents, teachers, and counselors learn a variety of tools and strategies that give the girls they love a simple productive way to respond to the inevitable struggles every girl faces as she enters (and sometimes gets excluded by) the world of groups, clubs, and best friends.

With all the attention on bullying out there, it can be easy to slip from passive parent who noticed nothing, to aggressive parent who jumps on your child for everything.  Increased attention to meanness and bullying so important as we begin to more consciously parent our children to be kinder and to step in to prevent bullying.  However, while there are out-and-out bullying behaviors out there that need an immediate reaction, most meanness (especially in the elementary school years, but even into middle and high school) is done with an underlying more innocent motive: to feel important, to be popular, to avoid being a target, the list goes on.  And while that in NO way excuses the behavior, it does open the discussion for more positive possibilities.  Setting up expectations and limits is vital, but so is recognizing what our child is trying to accomplish and connecting with her over that.  Thus, one of the most important ways to respond if our child has been the mean one is to become her ally in meeting those really natural and even appropriate underlying desires in more appropriate ways. 

How do you do this? Follow the framework we describe in our book Little Girls Can Be Mean: Four Steps to Bully-proof Girls in the Early Grades!

1) OBSERVE the behaviors that have you alarmed (e.g., “I notice that...”). 

2) Before you step in and try and fix them, CONNECT over what your child is seeking, feeling, or experiencing (e.g., “I can see that it’s really important for you to stay Sasha’s friend, even though that means you have to ignore and exclude other girls.  What about that friendship is so important to you?”). 

3) GUIDE your child by coming up with a list (together) of alternative choices that will allow her to meet those natural developmental drives.  You as the parent still have a voice in giving your child an understanding of your limits and what is acceptable, but you also have the opportunity to better understand what she is experiencing and therefore guiding her more effectively only in this situation, but also future ones, where you may not be as present. 

4) SUPPORT HER TO ACT on one or two items of her choosing (to start).  They might be private (doing a role play for how to interface with Sasha) or public (writing an apology note to a child she has wronged).  Either way, the process allows the two of you to remain a team, and for you to be a source of support, knowledge, and guidance in helping your child move towards kinder, more appropriate actions. 

There are more and more articles coming out on bullying now, sometimes it can make your head spin.  In this blog, I offer commentary on an article from education.com .  http://www.education.com/reference/article/ten-actions-to-eliminate-bullying/ Read on...

The latest research shows that more than half of all children are, at least on occasion, directly involved in bullying as a perpetrator, victim, or both. And many of those who are not directly involved witness others being bullied on a regular basis. No child is immune - kids of every race, gender, grade and socio-economic sector are impacted. But it doesn’t have to be this way. As parents we have the power to help reduce bullying. Here are Education.com’s top ten actions you can take to help address bullying:

1.   Talk with and listen to your kids - everyday. Research shows that parents are often the last to know when their child has bullied or been bullied. You can encourage your children to buck that trend by engaging in frequent conversations about their social lives. Spend a few minutes every day asking open ended questions about who they spend time with at school and in the neighborhood, what they do in between classes and at recess, who they have lunch with, or what happens on the way to and from school. If your children feel comfortable talking to you about their peers before they’re involved in a bullying event, they’ll be much more likely to get you involved after.

Sadly, my then 6-year-old daughter struggled with her yo-yo/bully friendship for almost a year before we knew about it!  One key way to find out more, much sooner, is to begin to notice things, as is suggested in tip #2 below.  Honestly, that is the First Step we suggest in our Four Step Framework: Observe.  Not only can it make a difference, but when you know more about who your child is as a social being, you are in a much better position to do Step Two: Connect.  Remember, the goal here is not to grill your child, but to let her know the things you notice and to give her the opportunity to express what she is feeling or wondering. 

2.   Spend time at school and recess. Research shows that 67% of bullying happens when adults are not present. Schools don’t have the resources to do it all and need parents’ help in reducing bullying. Whether you can volunteer once a week or once a month, you can make a real difference just by being present and helping to organize games and activities that encourage kids to play with new friends. Be sure to coordinate your on-campus volunteer time with your child’s teacher and/or principal.

Here is that perfect opportunity to Observe your child and her peer group real time!

3.   Be a good example of kindness and leadership. Your kids learn a lot about power relationships from watching you. When you get angry at a waiter, a sales clerk, another driver on the road, or even your child, you have a great opportunity to model effective communication techniques. Don’t blow it by blowing your top! Any time you speak to another person in a mean or abusive way, you’re teaching your child that bullying is ok.  

It’s really powerful for kids to hear that their parents feel they made a mistake.  We are all human, and part of helping your child succeed socially is to help her see HOW to practice the Three R’S: Recognize your actions, accept Responsibility, and Rectify.  Little Girls Can Be Mean: Four Step to Bully-proof Girls in the Early Grades has some great tips for how to help your daughter do this.  Meanwhile, draw attention to when you do this, so your daughter sees that mistakes happen and we always have the power to make new choices when we realize them. 

4.   Learn the signs. Most children don't tell anyone (especially adults) that they've been bullied. It is therefore important for parents and teachers to learn to recognize possible signs of being victimized such as frequent loss of personal belongings, complaints of headaches or stomachaches, avoiding recess or school activities, getting to school very late or very early. If you suspect that a child might be bullied, talk with the child’s teacher or find ways to observe his or her peer interactions to determine whether or not your suspicions might be correct. Talk directly to your child about the situation.

Looking for these is part of Step 1: Observe.  Before racing off and involving the teacher, follow the Four Steps and find out more information from your child herself! 

5.   Create healthy anti-bullying habits early. Help develop anti-bullying and anti-victimization habits early in your children, as early as kindergarten. Coach your children what not to do - hitting, pushing, teasing, "saying na-na-na-na-na," being mean to others. Help your child to focus on how such actions might feel to the child on the receiving end (e.g., “How do you think you would feel if that happened to you?”). Such strategies can enhance empathy for others. Equally if not more important, teach your children what to do -- kindness, empathy, fair play, and turn-taking are critical skills for good peer relations. Children also need to learn how to say "no" firmly, and how to avoid being mean to others. Coach your child about what to do if other kids are mean - get an adult right away, tell the child who is teasing or bullying to "stop," walk away and ignore the bully. It may help to role play what to do with your child. And repetition helps: go over these techniques periodically with your Kindergarten and early Elementary school aged children.

There are lots of ways to help your child respond to bullying that they experience or witness.  When we direct our child in what to do, we actually limit their ability to do it because they are not able to do their own problem solving real time, existing the way the need to within their social world at school.  The above tips are wonderful, but only a few of many possibilities.  This is the power of Steps 3 & 4: Guide and Support to Act.  When the two of you are a team and are dealing directly with the specifics of the situation and social environment she is in, and when you give her back the power to gain skills and choose her actions through Steps 3&4, you change who she is in relation to bullying and meanness forever.  

6.   Help your child’s school address bullying effectively. Whether your children have been bullied or not, you should know what their school is doing to address bullying. Research shows that “zero-tolerance” policies aren’t effective. What works better are ongoing educational programs that help create a healthy social climate in the school. This means teaching kids at every grade level how to be inclusive leaders and how to be empathic towards others and teaching victims effective resistance techniques. If your school does not have effective bullying strategies and policies in place, talk to the principal and advocate for change.

School is where your child spends a majority of their time, and where so many of these incidents of meanness and bullying happen.  The more you can be a part of knowing and influencing how teachers and staff respond, the better!  Remember, you and the school are on the same side and are trying to do what is best for your child and the other children as well.  

7.   Establish household rules about bullying. Your children need to hear from you explicitly that it’s not normal, ok, or tolerable for them to bully, to be bullied, or to stand by and just watch other kids be bullied. Make sure they know that if they are bullied physically, verbally, or socially (at school, by a sibling, in your neighborhood, or online) it’s safe and important for them to tell you about it and that you will help. They also need to know just what bullying is (many children do not know that they are bullying others), and that such behavior is harmful to others and not acceptable. You can help your children find other ways to exert their personal power, status, and leadership at school, and that you will work with them, their teachers, and their principal to implement a kindness plan at school.

You can learn so much about peer relations and how your child handles herself socially by observing sibling dynamics.  What problem solving skills does your child have right now when she gets frustrated?  How is she presently interacting with siblings?  Take some time and find out more about your child by watching interactions before you intervene and mitigate them. Remember, the goal is to follow the Four Steps, even if she has been acting meanly.  Simply telling her to stop does not help her know how to recognize the behaviors and make new choices around them.  There is a lot n the book about how to help your daughter if she is acting meanly.  

8.   Teach your child how to be a good witness. Research shows that kids who witness bullying feel powerless and seldom intervene. However, kids who take action can have a powerful and positive effect on the situation. Although it’s never a child’s responsibility to put him or herself in danger, kids can often effectively diffuse a bullying situation by yelling “Stop! You’re bullying!” Kids can also help each other by providing support to the victim, not giving extra attention to the bully, and/or reporting what they witnessed to an adult.

So many children don’t know what to call bullying, with the exception of the very obvious and acute acts.  But helping them notice meanness, or to see sadness or worry on the face of their peers, is a very useful tool.  When engaged in Step 3: Guiding your child, talk some about how THEY know when a friend is sad or another child on the playground is lonely.  Asking them to stop the bullying by confronting the aggressor can sometimes make them a target.  But it’s never a bad thing to console a peer or to welcome a new child into their game.  

9.   Teach your child about cyberbullying. Children often do not realize what cyberbullying is. Cyberbullying includes sending mean, rude, vulgar, or threatening messages or images; posting sensitive, private information about another person; pretending to be someone else in order to make that person look bad; and intentionally excluding someone from an online group. These acts are as harmful as physical violence and must not be tolerated. We know from research that the more time a teen spends online, the more likely they will be cyberbullied – so limit online time.

There are many ways parents can and should be involved in the on-line lives of their elementary-aged children.  This is such an important topic; I will make it an upcoming blog post.

10.   Spread the word that bullying should not be a normal part of childhood. Some adults hesitate to act when they observe or hear about bullying because they think of bullying as a typical phase of childhood that must be endured or that it can help children “toughen up”. It is important for all adults to understand that bullying does not have to be a normal part of childhood. All forms of bullying are harmful to the perpetrator, the victim, and to witnesses and the effects last well into adulthood (and can include depression, anxiety, substance abuse, family violence and criminal behavior). Efforts to effectively address bullying require the collaboration of school, home, and community. Forward this list and articles you’ve read to all the parents, teachers, administrators, after school care programs, camp counselors, and spiritual leaders you know. Bullying is an enormous problem but if we all work together, it’s one we can impact.

The reality is, we do want our child to learn how to manage the meanness that comes with school interactions.  But how we go about doing that makes all the difference.  Telling kids to simply find another friend or avoid the mean kids or thicken their skin simply isolates them and leaves them alone to face these issues.  But following the Four Step Plan can make all difference in giving your child a support network and a set of resources that will allow them to prevent and manage the social challenges, friendship rifts, and bullying they experience now, and in the coming years. 

http://www.education.com/reference/article/ten-actions-to-eliminate-bullying/

I believe that the principles in the book can be applied to any child at any age. We have 3 girls and my husband and I are employing the first two steps as much as we can. I think we have always tried to connect, but I am doing it more consciously since reading your book. We are also making strides toward steps 3 and 4.

My daughter, age 11, is dealing with a number of issues.  You are right. With boys, the abuse is physical. With girls, the abuse is emotional. They go straight for destroying another girl's confidence. In the third grade, two girls who were supposed to be my daughter's friend bullied her. Everything was mostly subtle, little, almost imperceptible insults.  Now  in middle school, she feels left out and not quite part of the group of girls that are supposed to be her friends. There is a fair amount of ditching (meaning girls try to exclude her from conversations, and free time during school), little insults about clothes, etc.

I am trying to help her recognize what a friend really is, and what loyalty means. The case study that really spoke to me was the one of the mean girl. Sometimes, I think my daughter is Ronnie.

It's a tough time. I am trying to help her figure it all out. We have started what I call the Smile book, the one you suggested. She is filling it with positive thoughts.

For the first time, I feel like she might end up ok, but it is going to be rough road.

I guess my suggestion or request to you, because your book did resonate with me, is that you keep writing. I would love to see a book for the middle school age group. Thanks again for your response. I look forward to more entries in your blog.

Dr. Anthony's reply:

I know how hard it is to see your daughter suffer at the hands of people who are supposed to be her friends.  Your descriptions are vivid and palpable.  You say you have a goal to help your daughter know what true friendship is.  Are there things you are doing to facilitate that?  I think it would also be valuable when you are doing step 3 to help her think about what might be going on for these other girls, that they are choosing to act this way.  What does it bring them?  What does she think they are trying to accomplish for themselves?  The goal is to help her realize that their actions are about them trying to create an “in” by having her be the “out,” or to create a feeling of power by being able to influence the other girls in these specific ways.  If she can more confidently identify their motivations as being outside of her (having nothing to do with her), it can feel less personal and in this way less painful.  This does not change that being excluded hurts, and we are in no way trying to say it does not matter.  It does.  But if she can begin to see for herself that these actions are about these girls trying to do things for themselves that really have nothing to do with her, although she is the a target, she is in a better place to choose more assertive actions (step 4) b/c she is not held back by the pain of wondering what is wrong with her.  Does that make sense?  

Does she have friends in other venues, outside of school?  I think that too would be a great place to build her up.  There is meanness everywhere, to be sure, but the intensity of school exponentiates the stakes, especially as the kids enter middle school. I am not sure if this analogy will help, but it has been useful in our family, where my 4 year old has a very limited palate and wants to eat mostly PB & J and mac and cheese.  We have talked to the girls (now 7 & 10) about how babies often will try lots of different foods, but toddlers and preschoolers really won’t.  They are very picky about foods and for no good reason will only eat very few items, shunning even the foods they used to love.  As time goes on, though, with enough exposure and encouragement, they begin to try new flavors and textures again and are all the better for it.  This is like kids’ friendships...often as elementary school goes on, they begin to limit their friendships and in middle school, they often will only be friends with certain people and it can feel like you are on the outside for no good reason.  You just aren’t mac and cheese.  You might be a yummy, yummy tofu stir fry, but they are only eating mac and cheese these days and it has nothing to do with how delicious you are, it has to do with what they are able and willing to try.  But as time goes on, usually by the middle of high school, stir fry sounds pretty good! Well, that analogy might not work for you in your house, but it has served as the topic of many a discussion in ours!

I think your emphasis and focus is the right one.  You will not be able to stop the mean kids.  But you can help your daughter understand those dynamics, her place within them, and what she wants on her end in terms of finding and keeping friends.  

Another area to continue to think about his how your daughter interfaces with her peers.  What does her body language and tone of voice convey?  Does she look at kids when they engage her?  Does she pick up on the social inlets and contribute to the conversations?  Does her body say she is ready and able to participate in the interchange?  It might be worth doing some observing along these lines and see what you notice and how that compares to her own self assessment of that.  

Well, those are some initial thoughts.  I’m so glad you liked the book and I hope it can continue to serve you with each of your girls.  And thanks for your kind words about writing another book for the middle school set...it’s so nice to know our work is appreciated by families like yours!

Best,
Michelle

In this first of a two-part series, Michelle Anthony talks about her daughter Kylie being bullied.  In Part 2, Kylie provides her perspective, how she felt and what she learned.  If you leave a comment on either post by September 15, you will be eligible for one of two signed copies of Michelle's recently published book LIttle Girls Can be Mean:  Four Steps to Bully-proof Girls in the Early Grades.   P.S.  Congratulations to commenters Tara and Teresa -- you've each won a signed copy of Michelle's book!  

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Michelle Anthony has spent upwards of a decade working hands-on with children and parents around girl-related issues through her professional work, and as a mother to young girls.  As a result of her own daughter becoming involved in a series of “Mean Girl” interactions in first grade, Michelle's interest in this topic was personalized.  Michelle is a columnist and feature writer for Scholastic Parent and Child Magazine, and is a certified teacher and has spent many years in the classroom. She holds a B.A. in Education from Brown University, an M.A. in Child Studies and Teacher’s Certificate from Tufts University, and a Ph.D. in Developmental Psychology from the University of California at Berkeley.


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2:30 PM. The party just ended.  Almost despite myself, I feel my heart racing.  After all, Kylie’s in fifth grade and has been to plenty of birthday celebrations.  But this is not a regular party, at least not for my daughter.  This party is for Sherrie (names are changed), Kylie’s former best friend who—a little over 2 years ago—tormented her for almost 2 years.  And Kylie being at this party was a chance for two dreams to be realized at once: hers and mine.

I remember I had been surprised when I opened the invitation and saw Sherrie’s name.  I double checked that the envelope had been addressed to Kylie, and had not been sent home by mistake.  And while I made it clear to Kylie that she didn’t need to attend, she surprised me by saying she wanted to.  My face went blank and she put her hand on mine and smiled, “Really, mom, it’s ok.  Things are very different now.”

 
I looked over at her, and I saw it for the first time: how much she had grown.  Such a different look than she had in first grade, when her struggles with Sherrie began.  The issues went on for months before anyone knew about them.

Sherrie was Kylie’s closest friend, and—at first—her strongest ally.  But a destructive power dynamic soon developed. It was amazing the hold Sherrie had over her—the power she had to take something wonderful and make it dark and fearsome to Kylie. Kylie was an avid believer in fairies, and (in the beginning) the 2 would laughingly imagine they were visited by fanciful fairies in the backyard.  But when things changed, Sherrie took Kylie’s passion for fairies and used it to terrify her—telling her about fairies that were evil and would harm her.

 
Kylie tried to speak to her teacher about her struggles midyear and was met with disbelief (“She’s such a nice girl; you must be misreading her intent”).  When she persisted, she was told to “thicken her skin,” which left her feeling more confused and alone.  It was only when I happened upon a scribbled note of loneliness that Kylie opened up and shared her isolation.

The day she finally broke the silence on her experience was the day that changed both of us.  Since then, my daughter and I have been on a journey of discovery, together.  To help her find her voice, and a path away from that sad, silent place.

 
But in working to understand what was happening to her, we discovered not only a language to talk about her struggles, but also a framework and a means to deal with them.


Along this path, I also stumbled upon the power of a new dream: to give other girls and other parents the means to understand these experiences before they take their devastating toll.   Through our many interactions with teachers, parents, counselors, principals, and elementary-aged girls, my co-author and I uncovered an unspoken epidemic affecting countless young girls, leaving them feeling similarly isolated and alone. And having more than one daughter has allowed me to understand—from both a personal and professional place—how many nice girls not only struggle with the mean things that happen, but also with how to find kind and appropriate ways to have influence and feel powerful.

Sitting outside Sherrie’s party, I realize what a winding trail it’s been, and yet, this is the moment I didn’t even realize is the one we’ve both been waiting for.  As Kylie clamors into the car, our eyes meet, and a silent smile passes between us.  This time the silence is from a common language that needs no words to be expressed.  At that party, in that moment, I witness Kylie confidently bound across a chasm.  A chasm that only 2 years before sent her plummeting, alone and afraid, with no safety net to catch her fall.

In this second of a two-part series, Kylie Hunter shares how it felt to be bullied and what she learned -- the post is in Kylie's words as dictated to her mother, Michelle Anthony.  You can read Michelle's perspective on Kylie's experience here.


Kylie Hunter, 10 years old, has won both state and national awards for her writing.  While Kylie has always had a tremendous imagination, it was during first grade—when she began writing letters to herself to cope with her yo-yo friendship—that her passion for writing was sparked.  Since then, she has written a children’s chapter book about her experiences with Sherrie, along with countless poems (you can read one of her poems below).  She is currently in 5th grade at an arts-integrated magnet public school.

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It’s been a little more than two years now.  Two years since I finally broke off my yo-yo friendship with Sherrie.  When I re-read the notes I wrote back then, it makes me want to cry.  Those moments have dissolved in my memory, but what’s left is a puddle.  A puddle of all the meanness mixed together with no solidity.  

I remember feeling scared at night, but not about Sherrie.  About big monsters and bad fairies.  I was very confused back then.  I didn’t know whether she was nice or mean.  I couldn’t tell, because she stood up for me with classmates.  She invited me to sit with her at lunch.  She helped me when I was the new girl.  But what I didn’t realize was that the mean moments were more important than the nice moments, and the mean moments were a bigger deal.  Like the time she got me very excited about her birthday party—talking about it for days and saying how much fun we’d have together—and then intentionally didn’t invite me.  I felt so betrayed—by my own very best friend.  But maybe she wasn’t my best friend; that is what I couldn’t tell.

When I went to my teacher about it, she only made things worse.  She told me how I shouldn’t be worried.  How I should just toughen up.  So I felt like I had to toughen up, although I didn’t know how.  I didn’t know how to unlock the case in which I had been imprisoned.  One day I just broke down in gym and was sent to the school psychologist, to no avail.  I think she was trying, but all I could think was, “Those things won’t work.”  So I left feeling even more alone.

In my room, I’d begun writing letters about how I felt.  My mom found one and we began talking.   We both were kinda lost at first about what to do next.  I was still scared, but I finally had someone who I could trust and talk to about it.  Somebody who didn’t make me feel even worse.

 People sometimes ask me why I didn’t just stop being friends with her.  They don’t understand: she was my best friend.  By that point, she was my only friend.  If I gave up my only friend, I wouldn’t have anyone to play with on the playground.  I wouldn’t have anyone to share cookies with at lunch.  I wouldn’t have anybody to stand up for me when classmates were teasing me. I wasn’t ready to let go of what we had.

So in those early days, I just wrote letters.  To Sherrie’s mom, asking for help, to my imaginary friends, to my teachers, even to Sherrie.  I didn’t send them, but it made me feel like I was taking control.  It took a long time—over a year—before I finally found my way out of that friendship.  And I am a different person now because of it.  Because of Sherrie, but also because of what I learned along the way—from those who helped, and those who didn’t.  I feel more confident than I did.  I have more skills than I did, and I know that nobody is in charge of me—that I am my own person and nobody can change that.  No matter how mean they are.  And I know how to reach out to adults and how to ask for help, and I also know what sorts of people I can trust, like my mom.  

So when I got the invite to Sherrie’s party, I thought carefully about going.   I knew I could avoid her, but I really wanted to try out my new techniques.  I wanted to show her and show myself that I was different.  That I had grown.  And I wanted to see my old acquaintance Sherrie again.  Maybe she had changed too.  Who knows?

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Often children's verbal ability significantly outstrips their written communication skills.  Have you ever interviewed your children, allowing them to dictate to you their response?  What did you learn?  How did they feel?

In Michelle's post, she wrote that "girls struggle to find kind and appropriate ways to have influence and feel powerful." What are some ways that you can help the girls in your life learn to have influence -- in a good way?


It was in trying to cope with this experience, Kylie began to write -- and writing helped her find her voice.  Are we giving our daughters opportunity for self-expression, including really listening to them?  Are we listening to ourselves?


When my daughter guest-posted and you were all generous enough to leave comments, it was tremendously validating for her.  Will you do the same for Kylie?

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P.S.  I thought it would be a special treat to share with you one Kylie's poems.  In light of her experiences -- and given the importance of friends as we dare to dream, I found this particular poem "Friends", particularly meaningful.